Category: Relationships

Have you ever had to deal with ivy? Its a beautiful evergreen plant but if you don’t look after it meticulously it grows everywhere and particular in places you don’t want it to grow and spread its green shoots. 

Where is the link to envy apart form the wordplay? In today’s world we are continuously in competition against everyone. Looks & clothes, holidays, successes at work and so forth. When somebody outperforms it’s easy to turn to resentment. The competitive spirit helped us to survive, however, today it isn’t about survival anymore, in the true sense of the word. Even we don’t like to admit, we are jealous of others successes. The feeling often grows uncontrolled, like the ivy and it does more harm than good.

If uncontrolled we tend to focus on what we don’t have instead on focusing on our own strength. As we don’t seem to have what others have we become demotivated. Thereby we forget to see that the successful also have their weaknesses, they just aren’t obvious to us at that moment in time.

It’s a cold hard reality that, if you screen the planet, there will always be somebody you consider better, smarter, more beautiful or successful. You can’t win that game. Your inner competitor will never shut up if you don’t trim it back like the ivy.

The tools to cut it back is the deep focus and execution on your „own” desires, purpose and vision, derived from you. And while one might be able to copy your product, nobody can copy your path as it’s yours alone. There is something only you have as you are unique.

Freeing yourself from envy is like controlling the ivy and leads to a beautiful and blossoming plant (version of you).

(Thanks) Giving

In the Pacific North West, in archaic societies, there had been a long tradition of first giving, receiving and reciprocating. In fact, some tribe leaders established their power by giving everything away. Their gifts were seen as symbols of that power. If they hoarded, their power would diminish. (see Marcel Mauss, “The Gift” for further insides)

Change came with social structures and the introduction of money. The system flipped, and now you “get”, you don’t “give”. The winner is the person who receives the most. If you did, you must be famous and worth hanging out with.

It is probably fair to say that even reciprocity has developed into a curse. When you invited the Jones’s, who brought an expensive bottle of wine, you won’t rest to match the value when invited back. So, the traditional art of giving a gift turns into an almost heartless economy and more of an obligation or a payment.

However, I believe the universe doesn’t work like this and true happiness comes with unconditional giving, (as with unconditional love). I also understand this isn’t always easy as we have been brought up in a value system that leaves us quickly feeling like an idiot if we give and do not receive back. (Religion has done their bit too, you do good, you will come to heaven! Kids pray to God, I will be a good kid, if you let me have this or that, as it if it would be a trade)

In that context, it’s interesting to note, that some companies in trouble have survived, as employees rather than jumping boat, have decided to work together to bring the company back up and have been overly compensated when things turned for the better.

Additionally, we expect the payback exactly form the person or group we gave it too and we feel “used” when we don’t get it somehow back. In the meantime, we take other gifts coming out of the blue for granted. Funny, isn’t it?

In a “me, me, me” culture that nurtures instant gratification it takes massive trust to go against the flow. And yet, you read and listen to people who tried it, you will find out that through unconditional giving, not with the faintest back thought of reciprocity, comes multiple payback. You simply need to open your eyes and heart to see, as it does not always come in monetary form.

I would encourage you, start giving, whatever you have, a smile, a personal note, a phone call, help to a person in need, simply listening, time, the possibilities are manifold.

Last Saturday I realised one of my goals for 2018. I finished the Eiger Ultra Trail, a 101km mountain race with 6700meters vertical climbs and descents, and while the race organizers for safety reasons had to stop, pause and restart the whole race on a shortened course due to a heavy thunderstorm I got about 88km and 5500meters vertical under my belt in 14hours 10min 52s.

Here are 3 key lessons I have learned:

1. We overestimate what we can do short term vs. what we can achieve in the long run

I started training 1 year ago and started with an overloaded training schedule with too many and too hard workouts which led to injury and frustration and I questioned my goal. Lesson, whatever you do, start small and build on it, step by step, like building a house and do it with consistency never losing sight of the end goal. It will happen over time. The principle of additional marginal wins.

2. Get a coach

After my first weeks of training I realised I can’t do it on my own. Not that I felt too weak, too stupid, no, I needed someone to support me, push me, coach me and make me feel accountable against my online training plan. I hired a coach. You might think I am tooting my own horn here but regardless, if it’s a life change you are seeking, any obstacle you want to overcome, any goal you want to reach you need somebody supporting you to go to the edge of your comfort zone and beyond. It’s a sign of strength not weakness having a coach.

3. Surround yourself with like minded people, cut the toxicity out

We know intuitively the people, the places, the actions which are good and bad for us. In particular, if it comes to human beings we often don’t have the courage to cut them out of our lives as it can be a painful process. However, they holding you back reaching your goal. In your actions and motivations, they see their own limitations and often they don’t want you to outgrow them. I did cut people (and actions) out, they will have a place in my heart but they wont hold me back. Lastly, find a mentor, a group a trusted human being who encourages you. I couldn’t have done it without my wife, as a nutritionist, she supported me with her advice and she did a lot of cooking the right stuff. On race day, she supported me on 4 different aid stations almost doing a race on her own with a backpack of food and clothes.

Whatever you set your mind on, go for it, when I can do it, you can do it too. Life is the most beautiful at the edge of your comfort zone.

That, if anything is set in stone.

Last week I reconnected with a former client. We follow each other on social media and he had just recently posted pictures from a beautiful holiday abroad so I was checking in how it had been.Turns out the pictures have been the complete opposite of his current well-being. Frankly, that happens to me often. I see posts of people, friends, acquaintances and sometimes I know, sometimes I question how their real life looks like.

How terrible must it be to post something beautiful while at the same time you run around with a heavy heart, a broken relationship, a job you hate or a current account so heavy in debt you almost stop looking at it.

You can leave the world with “smoke and mirrors” but you can’t lie to yourself in the long run. It tears you apart until the pressure grows so big it erupts. Like those air filled beach balls, you can press under water and the deeper you push the more the pressure grow for them to come up.

Very often the solution to your problem is closer than the perception in your head allows it to be. Accept that possibility lies in uncertainty. Second, you need to take action. Make that phone call, have that conversation, look at other opportunities, start to explore what else life has to offer rather than being paralyzed by your current state of being in fear or sadness.

My humble suggestions and wish for your holiday season is this:

Don’t fill every day with action you believe the world needs to see in your posts. Take a walk for yourself in the early hours, slow down and check the status of the beach ball. Is it pushed heavily under water, does it flow gently on the surface or does it even joyfully play around curious for the next game that life has to offer.

Then make a mental post for yourself and take action when you are back.

Here is a great story by Rabbi Twerski. A young man enjoying eating a dish of fish. Another man is asking him: “Why are you eating this fish?” when the young man replies: “Because I love fish!”

“Oh, says the man, that’s why you took it out of the water, killed it and boiled it! Don’t tell me you love fish, you love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, you took it out of the water, killed it and boiled it.”

So much what we call love is fish love. How much of the love we are expressing for others only caters for our own needs? Hence, the other person becomes a vehicle for our own gratification.
Twerski goes on stating that we don’t give to those we love but rather love those to whom we give, as when we give, we invest something in the other person and as we love ourselves, now that part of us has become “in the other person”, so it’s part of us we love. Consequently, true love is an unconditional love of giving.

On my long endurance runs I pondered on that question. How much of the actions I take are unconditional versus calculated? How much do I rather love myself? As an ex banker I have a big EGO, trust me on that one! My conclusion came along what I believe is the essence of my coaching: Becoming aware of my/our actions and, again and again asking myself/ourselves: What purpose does my/our action serve?
And even I might ever so often fail (no excuse) on the right purpose I would want to be conscious of my decisions.
Better awareness leads to more and better choices, leading to better results (Robin Sharma)