Category: Self

I have been listening to a talk with Seth Godin who I consider one of the greatest minds these days and the story of Icarus came up. As a reminder, Icarus was the son of the famous craftsman Daedalus in Greek mythology. His father was the creator of the Labyrinth, a huge maze located under the court of King Minos of Crete, where the Minotaur, a half-man half-bull creature lived. In order for the secret of the Labyrinth to be kept, Minos had then imprisoned Daedalus and Icarus in a tower above his palace. Daedalus managed to create two sets of wings for himself and his son, that were made of feathers glued together with wax. He taught Icarus how to fly and warned him not to fly too high, which would cause the wax to melt, nor too low, which would cause the feathers to get wet with sea water. Together, they flew out of the tower towards freedom. However, Icarus soon forgot his father’s warnings, and started flying higher and higher, until the wax started melting under the scorching sun. His wings dissolved and he fell into the sea and drowned. 

Seth goes on arguing that, if you asked people about Icarus most would remember that he died by flying too high, i.e. if you aim too high, if you try to break out of the ordinary you will eventually fail or die. Many do not even know that flying too low was part of the story too. However, since the start of the age of industrialization and still to the current day most people fly too low, as its considered safe. Thereby, they fit perfectly in the business model of a few who need cheap and replaceable labor to run the system. The industrialist didn’t need people changing the status quo. And for many years it was a great promise and a great deal, you do your job, you get paid, you can buy stuff which you shelf, you get a pension and eventually you die. Nonetheless, the deal is off today where we replace ever more work by automation, and we hail every innovation as the greatest deal when all it does is mostly cut out any human factor and leave the majority of people as simple replaceable cogs in a huge machine. And yet this is being ignored and we are being seduced to make more effort to fit in (Hello, social media!) creating more emptiness and unhappiness, covered up by Instagram pictures of sunsets in Santorini!

I engaged in a discussion about psychometric tests where a few people close to their fifties and older had been fired, or to say it bluntly been replaced by a cheaper (younger) cog and were now looking for a job. Part of the hiring process was a psychometric test which they failed. Of course, they claimed the test had it all wrong and if only the firm would see their proven track record, they should have had the job. Now, it isn’t on me to speculate what personal traits the company hiring was looking for but let’s take this example. Simply because 5 people can hit a nail straight in a shelf and cut a piece of wood as you have told them makes them all 5 suitable for the job, when you as a furniture company are looking for something different than a nail hitter and straight cutter!

The beauty of a psychometric test is that it shows you based on empirical evidence how others see you and which traits you excel on, or lack. Note, it’s not a judgment on you as a human being. But, it’s a great tool for oneself to see where there is room for improvement given a possible job at hand. 

To close the circle, in today’s world of automation and innovation you can only excel in your job, if you aren’t flying too low either, if you make yourself indispensable, if you offer traits which aren’t replaceable by a cheaper cog. We all have those traits; psychometric tests are one way to find them and to learn from them. (I use them as part of my coaching toolkit) 

So is time spend in solitude and looking inwards in the upcoming holiday season. I won’t encourage you to pose with a glass of sparkling on a boat or in front of a sunset but rather go for regular walks when the sun rises and think what makes you indispensable. 

What do you want to be your legacy? A question that arises regularly when successful people being interviewed, or shall I say, as everybody does podcasts these days, it’s the question that comes at the end.

Is it necessary to leave a legacy? Or isn’t it a need, as we want to feel immortal and we can’t die without the thought that something of us will survive or be remembered. Hence, is legacy a big ego driver or is it a motivator for us to use our talents and passions in a way for the greater good?

Norman Cousins wrote an intriguing piece related to legacy:

“What is the eternal and ultimate problem of a free society?

It is the problem of the individual who thinks that one man cannot possibly make a difference in the destiny of that society.

It is the problem of the individual who doesn’t really understand the nature of a free society or what is required to make it work.

It is the problem of the individual who has no comprehension of the multiplying power of single but sovereign units.

It is the problem of the individual who regards the act of pulling a single lever in a voting booth in numerical terms rather than historical terms.

It is the problem of the individual who has no real awareness of the millions of bricks that had to be put into place, one by one, over many centuries, in order for him to dwell in the penthouse of freedom. Nor does he see any special obligation to those who continue building the structure or to those who will have to live in it after him, for better or worse.

It is the problem of the individual who recognizes no direct relationship between himself and the decisions made by government in his name. Therefore, he feels no special obligation to dig hard for the information necessary to an understanding of the issues leading to those decisions.

In short, freedom’s main problem is the problem of the individual who takes himself lightly historically.”

Life is a partnership of those who are dead, those alive and those yet to be born. If you are interested in the concept of energies’ in quantum physics you will agree that everything is energy and everything is connected. Consequently, the smallest action we do shape some sort of legacy for the people around around us and the wider circle of people we are connected too. I like that thought as it takes the concept of legacy from an egoistic thinking to a thinking of service which doesn’t ignore the individual. Its caring with conscience. It means linking action with reflection. 
The Latin root of the word legacy is legatus which translate to ambassador and while personally, I couldn’t care less if somebody remembers me when I am dead, I think we all can be ambassadors of being, living and life.

Last week I wrote about values, your values and how they align or misalign at your workplace.

In my research I stumbled about a quote by Thomas Cooley which I love:

“I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am!”

I read it probably 73 times. I kept on googling and reading and thought: 

Who creates our values? 

In that context another quote exists: “You are the average of the five people you surround yourself with.”

So, let’s dig a bit deeper. We probably all agree that it starts with our parents or the people we spend our first years with. To survive we copy their values and behaviours. We know if we do certain things we will be rewarded with food and affection. Once we realize a bit more consciously the effects of our actions, we start intensifying certain things, we become good at them and they start defining us. We become who the people around us think we are, so we get their praise. This can continue for long and for some it never stops, not even with death. They never question any of what they have been told as it would shake their core. 

The question, who am I and what am I here for are too scary to touch.

To an extent life becomes an echo chamber. We hear want we want to hear, or we hear what we have been taught to hear, we hardly question beliefs and values. How many people take the religion or the political views of their parents? How many never question how certain things are done? Often, the vicious circle continues with their children. 

I would invite you to look in the future in your job, as a parent, millennial, partner or friend. Do you want to be like the people who are many years ahead of you? Do you want what they have? More important are you only seeing the result or are you also seeing the path? For example, most people want to be rich moneywise, but do you want to put in the effort in to get there?

If you see something in the future you don’t want to be, don’t take the path. Question the values and beliefs. But don’t question them in the echo chamber. Don’t discuss them with the people you hang around with all the time, as all you will eventually do is trying to fit into the box that’s been created. 

The quote: “Thinking outside the box”, has probably been overused, but its true in the sense that you can only find new answers if you explore new grounds, new role models. At the beginning you can’t be what you can’t see. 

Hence, I humbly suggest exposing yourself to new challenges, take a close and good look in all detail, and I mean very detailed observation and then ask yourself: Does that work for me? And it’s cool if it doesn’t, change isn’t for everybody and isn’t always a necessity. 

Life is a process, and it can also be an adventure and not a package tour of predefined values and paths.

Last week I couldn’t but overhear a conversation on the train about diet, exercise & lifestyle. After everybody had exchanged what they do and believe, and maybe to settle for consensus, all agreed on:

“Everything in moderation”, is the way to live life.

I would disagree. Interesting thought as it is, and very appealing to most people as it can be bend like a hazelnut bush.

What exactly does moderate imply? Drink alcohol moderately. Eat red meat moderately. Take financial risk moderately. Exercise moderately on a daily basis. Really? Isn’t moderation a cheap excuse for having it like you want and get the justification right delivered with it. For some, a bottle of red a night is moderate.
But who is setting the benchmark? And would you want to be moderately successful, or have a moderately successful marriage?

Here is my opinion. We live in the Western world in a world of abundance, there isn’t a shortage. Our moderation is in excess of what our ancestor could only dream of. 
In most cases “moderate” is of no use to you. For bad habits in particular it’s the path to hell as most likely you are going to exceed moderate ever too often. 
If there is something in your life you think you should be more moderate on, may I humbly suggest, give it up completely. It is most probably easier and will have the better result long term. The pain is much harder to begin with, like cold turkey, but once through, you come out stronger. No pain, no gain.
If your current mental state doesn’t allow you to give it up, well, at least enjoy it fully, with all your heart, soul and mind, with all the consequences and flaws.
The opposite of moderation is obsession. Obsession about something you love, a passion. Whatever it is you want to do you wouldn’t stop before you have it. Build a business, meditate, hit the gym, read more books, acquire more knowledge. Obsession breeds excellence, Moderation breeds average and mediocrity. Interesting to hear your thoughts.

I know what I wish for you. Go and be great!

It happened once, Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping in the mountains. Night fell and they went to sleep. 
In the middle of the night, Sherlock Holmes nudged Watson and Watson opened his eyes. Sherlock Holmes asked him, “What do you see?” Watson looked up and said, “I see clear sky and stars, lots of stars.” 
Sherlock Holmes asked, “What does that mean to you?” 
Watson answered, “That means another nice, sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you?” 
Sherlock Holmes said, “It means to me that someone has stolen our tent.”

What is your perception of reality? 

One of the biggest pitfall in our daily life is that we perceive people, situations, places in a certain way. We further tend to judge them according to our conditioning and most oft the time we mentally add more to the story, making it bigger, giving it more meaning. Thereby we are creating body reactions. Anger, Frustration, Fear, Joy, Arousal, Happiness and so forth. Our body chemicals can be triggered by thought alone, i.e you can have the same bodily reactions by thought than if you are in the real situation. This of course bears the danger that imagination makes us sick.

A simple example is being late. How often did you travel and thought you won’t make it to the train or airport and you poisened your mind with all the consequences just to find out that you caught your means of transport in time. How often had you been invited, been late, picked up a fight in the car with your spouse who’s fault it was just to find out that your host is happy you are 30 min late or is totally relaxed as your are the first guests to arrive.

How often did you fear a conversation and it turned out being a good conversation or by far better than you thought? How often did you wait in a doctors waiting room after you surfed the net on a condition and you saw yourself almost dead just to find out its a minor thing?

The clarity of your perceptions of realities around you determine the quality of your life. 

How can we improve qualities? By asking. A bit like Holmes did with Watson. What do you see? What does it mean to you? By stating your perception of your reality to others without judgment. By surrendering to the situation that’s out of your control until it comes back into your control or until you can deal with facts.
When we do that we balance our thoughts, control our subconscious reactions and converge to a more peaceful lifestyle.

If you are working with me, you might, during our time together, hear the following story:

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

“My dear one, the battle between two ‘wolves’ is inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.”

The story is short and yet very powerful. Every day from the moment we open our eyes to the time we put our head back on the pillow to sleep we can make conscious choices about the food (thoughts) we feed ourselves. Examples are multiple as we go through the day. You can wake up and think about an unsolved problem our you can simply be thankful you woke up and you are still alive. When your bread roll drops on the chocolate side you can laugh or be angry. You can push your fellow commuters, or you can slow down. You can help your work colleague, or you can gossip and bad mouth. And so, it goes on throughout the day.

Often when I bring the example, I am being told I am unrealistic, or I am not in someone shoes. Granted, sometimes, I can’t share the same experience but trust me I can mostly share the emotion. I do laugh, I do feel sad, I do grief, I do love and so on, at that’s what we have in common.

My point is, I am rather being unrealistic and believe in a positive way of seeing things. I try to look at what’s the learning here, what does the situation tries to teach me. If you really be brave, you might even ask yourself what’s funny about it. Trust me you’ll find something if you open up and look deeply. 

In December last year I met Alex Lewis at a conference. I have included the link to the Channel 4 documentary here. (simply click on the hyperlink)
I can only beg you to watch it. Alex is a quadruple amputee and went through what most of us would describe as hell of hell. And yet, the last sentences of his speech went like this: If this didn’t happen to me, I would still drink 10 pints a day and be a mediocre person. Now I do things I never thought doing but even more I do make a huge difference in the lives of so many other amputees. 

Nobody knows what happens tomorrow but whatever will be thrown at you, when you always feed the good wolf you will make it easier for you and the universe will carry you.

“People will cling to an unsatisfactory way of life, rather than change, in order to get something better for fear of getting something worse” Eric Hoffer

When most people start their careers the trade-off to give up something for nothing isn’t hard because mostly you have nothing. That’s why so many clients tell me how happy they had been, what great ideas they had, what they experienced and felt in their younger days. The older one gets, the more the nothing becomes something, and we struggle so much to give that up simply for a chance to grow or live up to our dreams.

It’s the No1 reason why people don’t have the lives they want.

When I gave up my good job at Citi, 2 years ago, don’t you think I wasn’t afraid of what I left behind? I was SH1T scared (Excuse me, for using foul language). Yes, but Michael, you are 53 and you have been through the good times and have money aside. Let me share with you. I did the same thing 15 years ago and quit a similar job to become self-employed and I failed gloriously at the best times in banking moneywise. I had to start as a sales person at another bank, and not as a Managing Director with a big team. Was it all worth it? You bet it was. The first failure set me up for the second time I quit a good job to explore something I am longing for. The longing changed, but not the idea of living the life I want.

Another big issue is that the loss of the trade-off is usually felt long before the gain. People want change but don’t want to wait for the result. (particular not in times of instant gratification) And sometimes it can take years for the result to materialize. However, in the meantime, undoubtedly you will grow rather than simply go after your life. You will never get anywhere interesting by doing the safe thing. The safe thing makes a living, the significant thing makes a difference.
You know what I hear the most from my clients? Could have, would have, should have.

Would you want to say this at the end of your life?

I understand very well that there are trade-offs one shouldn’t make. Never change for the sake of change. Don’t be foolish, don’t simply jump of the cliff before looking. But ask yourself very carefully, are these bad trade-offs or are they excuses, a fear of jumping at all? The biggest excuses I hear are always money, children or age, as they are the easiest most logic justification for oneself.
A trade off will always costs you at the beginning and if it’s simply time, investment in knowledge/literature, a coach, whatever, however your gain is a multiple x of your investment.

Risk on/off is an old expression from the banking world. When risk is “on” people invest, take more risky bets and grow their investments. When risk is “off” the wealth of their investments often stagnates, goes sideways or falls.

Growth happens when you take risks, when you trade safety for the unknown, come to terms with the fact that your decisions determine rewards and consequences, don’t trade this off for anyone or anything.

Ecdysis: “The process of shedding the old skin (in reptiles) or casting off the outer cuticle (in insects and other arthropods).“…or, 

What’s to be learned from a lobster growing
Because the shell of a lobster is hard and inelastic it must shed its shell in order to grow. Ecdysis, commonly called shedding, occurs when a lobster extrudes itself from its old shell. The overall process of preparing for, performing, and recovering from ecdysis is known as molting.  Unlike animals that are soft-bodied and have skin, a lobster’s shell, once hard, will not grow much more. For more see: The American Lobster

Now this post isnt a lesson in zoology. It is inspired by Rabbi Twerski who took the lobster as an example of how growth only happens from a position of stress. Once the lobster grows the shell becomes very uncomfortable, so the lobster needs to find a place under the rocks to shield from predatory fish, shed the shell and produce a new one. This happens numerous times throughout the lobsters life. Without this discomfort, the lobster would stay small. The lobster would stay within its comfort zone.

On the other side, would the lobster be able to see a doctor, the lobster would probably be prescribed some valium or other pills to avoid the pain, at the cost of not growing. 
Hence, the lesson here is, a certain element of stress has always an opportunity for growth, which we can use to make changes to our lives.
If you think how often we say, I am not feeling well in my skin, that’s often when we are presented with an opportunity to do something outside our comfort zone.
Growth is happening through adversity. 

Whenever one of my weekly emails doesn’t get delivered to its recipient, I get a message and its either a “soft” bounce or a “hard” one. A hard one means the incoming server has rejected my email for good and the email addressed gets automatically removed from my recipients list. In layman’s terms this means the recipient has changed job (new email, old firm rejects incoming mails), or deleted a private email account.

Last Sunday I had a hard bounce from an old friend who worked at the IMF (International Monetary Fund). We almost started our careers together at the same bank, became good friends and even he moved and worked in Washington DC we had the odd conversation, Facebook contact and ever now and again when on his missions he stopped over in Heathrow or Frankfurt we even managed to meet. Every time it was like I had seen him the night before. He is one of those people you always get an honest, no nonsense, analytic opinion, never shy of telling you the hard truth in a respectful way, I considered him a true friend, even oceans divided us.

When his email bounced I first thought he quit at the Fund and maybe he came back to Germany enjoying his retirement, but his LinkedIn account had him still working there. It was only when I looked on Facebook that I found out he had passed away in a tragic accident at the age of 57. It thoroughly shocked and saddened me and its one of those moments when you think: Impossible, can’t be! And yet, it can.

In Ray Dalio’s book Principles, which I recommend reading, regardless if you work in the financial industry or not, he writes on page 2222:

Life can be shorter than you think. I can only repeat what you read from others and I before:

Go change that job your unhappy with, separate/divorce from those toxic relationships, visit the places you wanted to see, try what you ever wanted to try and so far postponed to retirement. I have never been a big fan of the term, “it goes on my bucket list”…

The present moment is the only one you have, live to the full, enjoy it, do something with it, be grateful for it before it bounces.